Dear Lil' Sista': Speak Out! (my story of child abuse)
- Nikki Williams
- Sep 30, 2016
- 10 min read
As difficult as it was for me to write down my experience I realized there is power in my words. This is a heavy subject but a subject that must be discussed. It is so hard for a child to speak up after they've been victimized. I want to show there is no shame or blame in being a victim of child abuse. You can be strong. You can be heard. You deserve to have a say. I hope someone will read this article and find the strength they need to speak up for themselves or a loved one. Don't let your abuser continue to abuse you through your own silence. I never felt more strong than when I made the decision to tell the truth about my abuse. Now I want to share my story with you. I was only 4 years old the first time I was molested. I can’t even begin to describe the emotional turmoil and pain I went through at such a young age. I knew that what was happening to me was wrong, but I was too young to stop it from happening. I was left unprotected and because of that my innocence, my mind and my body was despoiled. Not even five years later I was again sexually abused by a family member; at that point the same familiar fears and anxieties took over my being. Even though I was older I still couldn’t seem to protect myself from being violated again. My mind reeled trying to diffuse the emotional time bomb ticking inside of me. At any given time I felt that my feelings would get the best of me and the shame of what had happened would be exposed. I blamed myself. How could it not be my fault? Two different men, two different states, I was the only common factor in the equation. Naturally I blamed myself. Studies have proven that a child who has been sexually abused at some point in their life is highly likely to be abused again. I have exposed myself for this very reason. I want to encourage someone who is has been affected by sexual abuse to SPEAK OUT! Whether it be you or someone you know using your voice to speak against child abuse is powerful and disarms the abuser. After silently suffering through my abuse for years I realized that it was my voice that delivered me from continuing to endure alone. Abusers prey on the those whom they believe they can keep silent. You empower yourself by using your by speaking out. I am briefly going to discuss: speaking up about abuse, realizing it is not your fault, acknowledging what you went through and moving on, and fighting on behalf of others who are being abused. The alarming number of children suffering from sexual abuse in their own homes disturbs me, but it is not surprising. Most abuse is committed by someone we know, someone close to use who has access and relies on our trust and love for them to protect their secret. So many suffer in silence afraid of what the abuser might do, or genuinely out of love for their abuser. To someone who has never been abused it may seem perverted and unbelievable that someone can maintain love for a person causing them so much pain. You would have to get inside the mind of the abused to truly understand. Long before a hand was ever laid on me I was affected by abuse. It starts with conversations; small innuendos, that as a child, go over your head. You may feel uncomfortable or strange about something someone says or does but you don't know how to articulate your discomfort and uncertainty. They establish rapport by letting you have certain freedoms and giving you gifts. That's when, "Don't tell anyone, this is just between us," statements start. It goes from watching movies you shouldn't and eating candy before dinner to secret touches. All the while making you promise not to tell. Assuring you of how special you are and how special the love you share is. This is not love! It is not a special bond! It is wrong and it is NOT your fault! Keeping silent keeps you locked in a physical, mental and emotional cell of abuse. I struggled for years like a ghost, not letting anyone see my pain and what I was going through. I lived like a wraith. A vengeful spirit, full of anger. My mother and family couldn't understand why I was so angry at such a young age. I learned to mask my anger with a smile and laughter. I thought it would be easier for everyone if I pretended like what happened to me didn’t actually happen. I wrestled with my inner demons, who told me that no one would believe me if I said anything. The longer I kept quiet the longer I suffered through the abuse. I painted a smile on my face, did what I was told, seemingly being the perfect child with the perfect childhood. I was devastated inside. I had been robbed of my chance to enjoy being a child and having the innocence a young girl should have. I was exposed to a world that from the ages of 4 to 9 I should never have been exposed to. I remained quiet through it all. I chose not to speak out until long after the abuse had stopped. I know if I’d spoken up sooner I would not have experienced the second round of sexual abuse. Please don't misunderstand me. I am not blaming myself for being abused the second time. It was not my fault. Just like the first time I was abused was not my fault. In hindsight I realize, had I spoken up after the first abuse I would have better equipped my parents and family to protect from being abused again. In the moment you make up every reason not to say something. You assume no one will believe you. You assume if they do believe then they will say it’s your fault. Because most young children are abused by someone they know or a family member who lives in the home, the abuser is able to exploit their relationship with the child. They rely on the child’s love for them knowing they will keep the abuse secret. Let me tell all of my little princes and princesses something; no matter who your abuser is (father, brother, uncle or even mother) no child solicits abuse. There is nothing you did to make them want to abuse you. That person is sick. They came after you because THEY wanted to and because THEY have a deep rooted issue. Most child abusers were victims of child abuse themselves. They perception of love is manipulated and perverse. LET ME BE CLEAR. No one who abuses a child can honestly say they love that child. Love is what keeps you from harming your children; love is why you care for them unconditionally. I don’t care who is abusing you and how much they claim to love you; you need to SPEAK OUT against what they are doing to you. More often than not you aren't their first victim and you will not be their last. To this day I wish I had spoken up sooner and had my violators arrested. I prayed that they didn’t hurt another child the way they hurt me. Had I not waited so long, I could have assured myself of that. This is why I advocate so passionately about speaking up now. Consider this, as you suffer without sound, the longer you remain quiet about what is being done or has been done to you, the more at risk you are placing another child. The biggest hurdle most abused children have to overcome is REALIZING THAT IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. For so long I was convinced that I was responsible for my abuser’s sickness. I knew it had to be my doing; the situation I was in. Lord knows, it took a lot of prayer on my mother’s part to get me to the point of relinquishing responsibility for my abuse. I couldn’t begin to heal or talk about it until I acknowledged my role as victim and their role as the abusers. You have to understand that an abuser is under the influence of their sickness and you are under the influence of your abuser. Nowhere in the equation are you in control of what is happening to you. One of the reasons most child abuse victims are re-victimized is because they are left in a vulnerable self-blaming state after being abused the first time. The abuser exploits the defenselessness of this child. And again the child becomes a target for abuse. I have to say this. I don’t know why but speaking out about child abuse in the African American society is taboo. We are told "what happens in this house, stays in this house,". Bullsh*t! If what is happening in this house is damaging or detrimental you should tell anyone who has ears. Why is the victim shunned and told to keep family secrets in the family? Why is it when I chose to speak out against my abuser; whom happened to be a family member; I was immediately cut off from that part of my family? I was not comforted, consoled or protected. I became an outsider; “the one who was ruining the family name”. I couldn’t understand it then and I refuse to accept it now. The abused became the offender and the abuser became the offended. You have to make it safe for your child to confide in you. You already heard me explain how self-blaming keeps children quiet. Your inability to trust their words will keep them closeted forever and their abuse will continue. We have to encourage our young children to come forward and speak against the crimes being committed against them. The only way to do that is to create an environment safe enough for them to be truthful in. No matter what they say or who they say it against you have to take every claim seriously. I'd rather believe the child than protect the ego or character of the adult. The conclusion I came to was simple. Even if a child lies abut being abused, you have to question where the idea came from. You have to investigate and find out what caused to accuse or make their claim. Children only repeat what they've seen or heard so something is NOT RIGHT. Sex is not something a 5 or 6 year old should be thinking about and if they are you must ask the question WHY. Do not stop digging until you get to the root. Never accuse them of being a liar. Explain the difference between lying and story telling and then ask them again. They must never feel attacked or interrogated. If they feel that they will be persecuted for speaking up they will never open up about the TRUTH. Provide a cocoon of honesty and safety and they will feel more inclined to talk about what is really going on with them. If they feel the slightest bit of condemnation they WILL NOT come forward. We need them to come forward. We need them to deal with what is going on with them. If not dealt with properly it may lead to them to being abused again or later on even becoming an abuser themselves. We as a community have to provide a safety net for our children. We must stop putting our egos before the healthy development of our children. I need to speak to my ladies for a second. Ladies, if you have children do not bring a continuous flow of men into your child’s life. Every stranger you introduce you put your entire family at risk of being victimized. Take the time to get to know someone before letting them in and having your child call them 'daddy'! Regardless of what anyone thinks; child abuse affects the whole family. It destroys trust and severs bonds. It strips away esteem and character and turns your family into a shell filled with ghosts. Protect your family by protecting yourself. Be a woman who puts her children above all things and all people. Do not let just anyone watch or raise your child. Okay, mini rant over. I am an example of what “Speaking Out” can do for someone. With all I went through as a child I should be a complete mess. According to statistics I should be strung out on drugs. I should be a single mother and have like five kids all with different fathers or at the least be depressed and struggling with suicide. I am none of these things. I chose to be brave. The key factor in my brevity was my mother’s unwavering love and encouragement. I knew I could tell her what had happened to me and she would still love me just as she had before. It is not just about the voice of the child being abused. If you are around someone suffering through abuse and you remain quiet, your silence condones and enables the abuse to continue. The first time I was sexually abused I was too young to say anything to protect myself. The people around me should have paid closer attention and seen the plea of desperation in my eyes and in my behavior. If you have children in your life in any capacity, you are responsible for their well being. Have you ever heard the old adage, "It takes a village to raise a child,?" That is one of the truest statements ever made. Children expect to be loved unconditionally and protected implicitly. The child is the quarterback. The adults around them are the offensive linemen. Play your position and don't let anyone touch your quarterback whose intent isn't to protect them. Speak up on their behalf. Fight for them when they can't fight for themselves. It is your duty and privilege. ACT LIKE IT! We have to give our children the platform to speak. You must provide them with the opportunity to be honest without reproach. More than anything we need to prevent abuse from happening by paying attention to our children from the beginning. The moral of the story is let us PREVENT what we can and SPEAK OUT against what we can't. If you want to learn more about warning signs or prevention and healing concerning child abuse check out the link below. I would love to hear your stories about overcoming child abuse. So many people are afraid to be honest about this subject. It is time to find your bravery. Let me know what you think Weirdies. Let's talk about this! Drop a comment below. **Click on the link below to find out more about Child Abuse Prevention & Healing** THE ADVOCACY CENTER!
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